Article by Peter Brooker | Journalist & Author

We lucked out on our first breakfast aboard The Sky Princess Cruise. We sat next a couple called Felix and Diana. They were an elderly couple from Ohio, good talkers and black chip medallion carriers. Black Chip is the Black Belt Karate equivalent for Cruisers. You get one after completing 15 cruises or 150 cruise days. Ours (Anastasia and I were newbies and we wore blue). The chips are like wearable tech. It locks and unlocks your room (sometimes), maps out your location on the ship to staff and allows you order drinks direct to your account or package. This I liked because I didn't have to tip.

Anyway, back to Felix and Diana. Being a veteran cruiser Felix informed me that Sky Princess was the best of all the cruise liners. Also it's worth investing at least 200 shares into the company, with an 80% customer repeat ratio and the loyalty rewards, you'll never lose your investment. He also showed me a photo of his stately mansion that burned down. Only the chimneys survived. Really interesting couple.

The Caribbean cruise set off from Fort Lauderdale. Once aboard I had my first cocktail in 4 and a half years. The anxiety that lead up to finally getting on the boat and leaving was crippling. Anastasia was so afraid she'd contract COVID before being able to travel she didn't even come with me to see my family over Christmas. She spent alone with the cat and her jigsaws.

We heard horror stories of people getting COVID even between testing negative the day before travelling and testing positive on the day. One couple even had to isolate on the cruise. They were even confined to their room for the entirety of the trip. But worse still, we heard one story about a cruise setting off and turning back to port a day later because of an outbreak onboard. Can you imagine?

Anyway we finally on our way. Our itinerary took us to the Princess Cays, St Thomas, Dominica, Grenada, Antigua and Barbuda Aruba. I think in that order.

I'll give you a brief run-down of the islands and some tips.

Princess Cays

This is a small island, owned by the Cruise company itself. There is not really anything to do here apart from sunbathe and get some instagram photos. There was a snorkelling class but that wasn't for me. I once came out of a snorkelling pool in GoldenEye, Jamaica, when I looked back there was a Stingray circling the pool. I asked the Lifeguard 'should that f**king thing be in here?' He said 'first time I've seen it.'

Good enough for me, I hate the water anyway. So I sat on the deck chair in the shade, read my book. We got news that our cat was ill so we had to have it put down. Anastasia's friend got in a taxi and drove the dead cat out to pet cremation centre somewhere outside of London. And an Uber back. The taxi ride alone was over 300 sheets. I mean Jesus.

But the beach was great, there was a buffet. There were wasps which seems to come with every buffet. Although one thing about eating on deck on the cruise ship. Zero wasps. I tell you it was some of the best dining experiences I ever had. No tips, no wasps. We even had a cinema screen on deck where they gave out free popcorn. Although they only showed the NFL and chick flicks, so we took the popcorn, ordered some wine and watched Die Hard 2 back in the room.

St Thomas

This was our first trip inland and we walked into the town which took about 30 minutes. You can get taxis but we walked. If you're going to buy a watch or jewellery on a Caribbean cruise, then St Thomas is the place. The sales people are very pushy, but they've not seen a tourist in nearly 2 years and these islands and businesses depend on the tourist trade for their very lives. Before us it was sugar mills and rum factories, now it's rich whitey looking to get his tax-free Rolex.

I was looking at a couple of Oris watches, a couple of Omega watches too. But I didn't like being pushed into a sale and I didn't really need a new watch. Although as a side note, one of the activities on the cruise is to attend presentations. As there is a watch boutique onboard I enjoyed those watch presentations. Anastasia got some jewellery in St Thomas and she enjoyed all that. There is no way you should declare all this to customs by the way. What business is it of theirs and how will they ever prove you bought watches or jewellery on a cruise? They gave me a free Heineken after the trade. My first in 4 and a half years. It went right through me. I barely made it back to the ship to piss.

Dominica

On Dominica we took an excursion over to Bois Cotlette Estate. There we got to learn about what it takes to make chocolate. The chocolate factory there is so exclusive they only make for people on the island. They don't export, no matter how much you beg. It was some of the best chocolate I've tasted in my life. Anastasia said we should buy some for gifts for people back home. I said we'll buy it for ourselves and screw everyone else. I can't remember the last time anyone bought me a gift abroad.

Grenada

We took another Excursion up to the Seven Sisters Fall. It was listed as an hour hike but we did it in half that time. Our tour guide who liked to be called Soup because his Dad made the best Soup on the island, told us a rather sick story about Bamboo on the way to the fall.

"You know bamboo is one of the quickest growing plants. It can grow over a foot and a half in a day. During the Vietnam War, the Vietcong would tie up POWs and insert young Bamboo trees up their arses. That Bamboo would grow through their bodies and kill them. The American's would then walk the trail days later and their buddies would be strung up dead with bamboo shafts shooting out of them."

Soup seemed to take a morbid pleasure in telling that story.

When we reached the fall one of the other tour guides did a backflip from the top. Must have been 20-25ft. I gave him a ten buck tip, that took balls.

Aruba

The most developed island we saw. We took a trip to see a Chapel, a Lighthouse, both were landmarks on the island that didn't really justify the definition of a 'all-inclusive tour'. Most of the island is arid, dry and filled with Zorro Cactus. They have snakes here. They used to have wild donkeys but with the explosion of tourism too many were getting smashed to bits in roadkill, so they made a separate sanctuary for them in the hills where it's cooler. The main thing to do in Aruba is take a trip to Eagle Beach. Some guy wanted to charge me 25 sheets for an umbrella for one hour. Screw that. So I got all the towels and hid under them and read my book. Not much of a bather anyway.

The food

One question I got asked regularly about the Cruise ship was how good was the food? I can tell you it was the best. Both the buffet food which is inclusive, but especially the special dining rooms of which there are plenty. You pay an extra cover charge of 25 bucks, but you can eat like a damn Viking and the food is incredible. Except maybe the pizzeria. I don't know what happened there. They couldn't get that right and that was a disaster. Every day we ate sashimi from the sushi restaurant which overlooked the piazza. The piazza had two chicks playing violin during the evenings. One night they played the Bond theme and Por Una Cabeza back to back. (The tango song from True Lies and Scent of Woman). I tell you it was the closest I got to dancing in public. Thank God Anastasia doesn't ask me to dance, I think I have a bigger irrational phobia of dancing in public than I do of sharks in a foot of water.

The service

Mainly the service staff were Filipino. I said to Anastasia you can't get Brits to be this nice. The service in the U.K sucks because we don't have it in our culture to being subservient. We dominated the globe for so long and built colonies and we don't kiss the ring for anyone. The Filipino's on the other hand, they somehow don't mind. All the kitchen staff, all the waiters, waitresses, were all Filipino and were very happy to be there. At one point I came to breakfast and my waiter was whistling. I said this guy is happier to be here than I am, and I'm on damn holiday.

General Tips

Ok this is going on a bit so maybe I'll sign off here with some bullet point tips.
Bring some evening wear. one good shirt, one tuxedo, dress shoes etc. There were two 'dress to impress' nights on the ship and when you want to eat at a fancy restaurant, it's appropriate to look the part. Many won't, but that's just the Americans for you.
Get the drinks package. Get all the packages. The WIFI is additional at 275 bucks, and I think if you get one of the packages you get the WIFI, drinks and coffee all in. Yes you have to pay for coffee separate if you don't get the package. Can you imagine that?
The APP was useless, but don't worry you can book everything like excursions and restaurants once onboard. Don't spend hours on hold on the help line trying to resolve issues with the Princess Cruise APP.
Pack 20 pairs of pants and socks if going on a ten day cruise. Don't go commando in linen trousers.

I am available for any advice or questions via instagram @FromTailorsWithLove.